I Struggle To Forgive And Forget, Then I Realised It Not A Bad Thing After All
Have you ever had your heart broken only for someone to say, “It’s okay, just forget about it and move on.”?
At some point in life, we’ve all been told that forgiving and forgetting can empower us to be a better person and live a better life. Yet since a young age, that advice has always disgusted me. Imagine hearing teachers telling students to forgive their classmate for bullying them because their bully lacks parental love — that’s not being a bigger person. That’s disrespecting yourself. Same goes when your ex cheats or takes advantage of you.
When a man I love did something despicable and broke my heart [I shall refer this as “the incident” in the whole article], I struggled to move on with all the traumas, pain and triggers he’d left me. I was grateful to have the opportunity to communicate with him again to clear the air after a period of no-contact but even so, I couldn’t forgive him and let go of the past traumatic memories.
I spent sleepless nights reading articles on why I couldn’t forgive and forget, and most of them didn’t resonate with me. A few inputs I’ve gained include:
- You can’t forgive and forget because you’re getting your self worth from sad stories
- You attach your present upset to bigger upsets from the past that you still couldn’t forgive
- You aren’t being honest with yourself about the real cause of your hurt
Those articles really ignited the curiosity in me to probe deeper into my emotions, especially those linked to the heartbreak. I questioned myself on many aspects, including my self worth, self esteem, life perspective, mental health, strengths, resilience and past traumas. I made a list of my positive and negative traits, listing them very honestly and admitting all my toxic traits that have sabotaged me and all the relationships that had fallen apart. It helped me face my demons and be transparent to myself on who I truly am deep down.
Then I came to realisation. Forgiving and forgetting don’t heal my soul. Not at all. If anything, not forgiving and forgetting made me a stronger person. I haven’t forgiven the people who hurt me in the past and definitely still remember clearly the things they did to me, but that didn’t stop me from reconnecting with them and put the past behind. Yes, I still talk to my high school bullies once in a while and I can’t deny that it’s comforting to be able to put our differences aside and communicate on a mature level. But while I don’t hold resentment in my heart anymore, I can’t and won’t be able to forgive and forget them.
Not forgiving and forgetting has made me love myself more.
“The biggest mistake you can make is to allow yourself to get sidetracked by people who will never be willing to stay with you during the storm they create in your life through their own selfishness” — Chidera Eggerue
I still remember every detail of the incident that broke me. The words he said, the ways he acted, the reactions he showed… One thing worth noting is that despite us being able to communicate openly to address the incident and both our mistakes, he was still pretty oblivious with what truly hurt me and kept apologising with zero context.
The axe forgets what the tree remembers.
He may have forgotten majority of the incident but I definitely didn’t. And by remembering all the small details, I’m constantly aware of all the insults he threw at me, the disrespects he’d given me, the words he said to stroke his ego while belittling me… With all these, I’m reminded of all the BS I shouldn’t tolerate in life and the fact that I deserve so much better. It’s like a wake up call from my memories to myself to never settle for less and never lower my standards for anybody. It’s a reminder to stop burning myself to keep others w arm, to love myself more, and to keep my chin up and walk away from bad energies.
Some people just don’t deserve forgiveness
Here’s the deal: You don’t EVER have to forgive someone just because society dictates that it’s needed to move on and live a better life. Not everybody deserves to be forgiven.
Repeat after me. Not everybody deserves to be forgiven.
If you struggle to forgive someone, just stop trying to do it. Instead, channel that energy to improve yourself and find peace in you. Some people don’t deserve forgiveness, just like how you don’t deserve to be abused or treated horribly. Sweep away the voices that say one must learn to forgive and forget to live a happy life. It’s your life. You get to decide how to live it and what’s best for you.
They knew what they did. They just don’t care
It’s natural to make excuses and try to defend the person who’s hurting you, especially when you’re still head over heels for them. But hold it,
Apologies don’t change intentions or the fact that they did what they did.
Everybody makes mistakes. However, there are certain actions that can never be construed as mistakes. Your ex cheating on you is NOT a mistake. Your family member abusing you is NOT a mistake. Your friend bullying you is NOT a mistake. It’s a conscious decision they made without considering your feelings. Any human being who respects you would treat you well so stop accepting the excuse that they were immature and made a wrong choice. They knew exactly what they were doing when they took advantage of you.
When I told that man how deeply he hurt me, he kept apologising for his actions which made me think that he was sincere. Then his apologies was followed by this sentence, “I hope nobody hurts you as badly as I did or even if they did, that it’s within the limits you can accept.” It was truly a whole new experience for me to hear someone wishing that the next person who hurts me would cause pain within the limits I can accept.
Don’t settle for half-ass apologies. You’re only disrespecting yourself when you allow that.
You can still move on without forgiving and forgetting
While there are many people from my past who I haven’t forgiven, it didn’t prevent me from continue living my life happily. I was still able to put my vulnerable self out there and fall in love again; I was still succeeding in my career; I could still welcome new friendships and form deep bonds.
Ring, ring, intruder alert!
Some may argue that having resentment will only weigh you down. I beg to differ. If anything, remembering the pain from the past serves as a reminder of the toxic traits to avoid in people. It’s like a little bell that rings whenever I attempt to lower my standards and give someone access to take advantage of me. Don’t ignore the red flag. And the little bell. Also, don’t doubt your intuition. It’s one of God’s greatest gifts to you to keep you safe.
“When we respond to our pain and suffering with love, understanding, and acceptance — for ourselves, as well as others — over time, we can let go of our anger, even when we’ve been hurt to the core. But that doesn’t mean we ever forget.”
― Sharon Salzberg
